Just when you thought Soulja Boy was destined for the one hit wonder graveyard, he hopped out the bed and turned his swag on. Or did he?

sketch by Niaren Binford

Story by Darnell Taylor

Soulja Boy is in a deep sleep, his alarm goes off, it blasts “Turn My Swag On” through the speakers. He stretches, rubs his eyes, gets out of the bed turns to the wall and flips a switch on the wall that reads Swag On/Swag Off. Nothing happens after he flips it to Swag On, so he repeats the process a few more times. He looks confused, then sits on the
bed with his head in his hands.

NIGHT BEFORE

Bow Wow and Jermaine Dupri are dressed in all black and Bow Wow has a wire cutter in his hand. The wire he wants to clip is way to high for him to reach.

Bow Wow

JD, Let me stand on your shoulders.

Jermaine Dupri

Stand on my shoulders?

Bow Wow

Yeah, how else am I suppose to reach it?

Jermaine Dupri

Jump.

Bow Wow

Jump, are you serious. I look like LeBron to you?

I’m just suppose to grow some wings and fly up there?

Jermaine Dupri

Alright, hurry up then.

Jermaine Dupri, crouches down and Bow Wow steps on his shoulders. He holds Bow Wows feet so he doesn’t fall over but doesn’t really do a good job causing Bow Wow to almost fall.

Bow Wow

Stay still, you nervous or something ?

Jermaine Dupri

Hurry up, Janet is waiting for me.

Bow Wow

Whatever Mr. Jackson, what’s next a nose job?

Jermaine Dupri

Shut up and focus.

The wire is still out of reach by about a good foot or so.

Bow Wow

Shit, we’re not tall enough.

Charles Hamilton arrives dressed in pink as usual with Sonic The Hedgehog on his shirt. He clips the wire with ease as Bow Wow is still atop of Jermaine Dupri’s shoulders.

Then he rolls in to a ball and speeds off, like Sonic The Hedgehog without saying a word.

Jermaine Dupri

That motherfucker is weird.

Bow Wow

For real, lets get out of here .

Jermaine Dupri begins to walk with Bow Wow still on his shoulders.

Bow Wow

Put me down.

Jermaine Dupri

I felt kind of tall, like Iverson.

Bow Wow

He’s not even that tall.

Jemaine Dupri

I know.

Back To: Soulja Boy in the morning.

Soulja Boy looks at his phone and makes a phone call.

Soulja Boy

Baby( pronounces is Bay Bay)

Female

No, I’m not kissing you through the phone.

Soulja Boy

You know that I….

Female

Or in person

The female hangs up the phone before hearing what else Soulja Boy has to say.

Soulja Boy

……miss you.

Soulja Boy looks depressed and hopeless. He sits in the same spot for a few minutes than his face lights up with hope and he makes another phone call.

Soulja Boy

Yo….

Lil Wayne

No I will not kiss you through the phone.

Soulja Boy

I need help.

Lil Wayne

I only kiss my Daddy.

Soulja Boy

My Swag Switch isn’t working .

Lil Wayne

Dr. Carter will be right over.

Lil Wayne hangs up the phone. About an hour passes before he arrives Styrofoam cup in hand, accompanied by Kanye West. Soulja Boy goes to greet Kanye West. Kanye

West doesn’t notice he’s too busy obsessing over a picture of Keri Hilson he brought with him.

Lil Wayne

So when did you notice you Swagger was missing?

Taps Kanye West to pay attention.

Lil Wayne

Pay attention Ye’. We have a case of Swag Gone Missing.

Kanye West

My presence is a present. Be grateful that the great one is here, without me there is no Swag.

Lil Wayne and Soulja Boy look at him as if he’s crazy.

Kanye West

Who else could rock an mullet and a shag at the same time like …. Fuck it?

Lil Wayne sips he drink.

Soulja Boy

So, I hoped up out the bed, turned my swag and on……and nothing happened.

Lil Wayne

I see, did you take a look in the mirror and say what’s up ?

Soulja Boy

Didn’t work.

Lil Wayne

Did you try saying……Young MOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLAAAAA Baby.

Soulja Boy

No!

Lil Wayne

Maybe that’s why.

Kanye West

Did you try saying, “Mr. West is the Best.”

Soulja Boy

No. I just wake up and turn it on. Now how am I suppose to get money like yeah.

Kanye West & Lil Wayne

Auto-tune!!!

Lil Wayne

Did you check your swag connection outside?

Soulja Boy

Swag connection ?

Soulja Boy, Lil Wayne, and Kanye West are now outside where Charles Hamilton cut the wire. The wire is sparking and swinging wildly in front of them.

Kanye West

Problem found. Your swag has been sabotaged.

Lil Wayne

You’ve been swagotaged.

Soulja Boy

So, know what?

Kanye West

Don’t worry, we’re going to have this fixed in no time.

Kanye West rips out one of Lil Wayne’s dreads. Lil Wayne, makes a sound that’s similar to ALF screaming. Kanye West then pulls glue out of his shag/mullet/strange growth in the back of his head. Glues both ends of the dread he’s ripped from Lil Wayne head and manages to use it to put the swag wire back together. All three of them, then return inside to see if the switch works now.

Soulja Boy flips the switch and his swag comes back on. His face lights up, he throws his shades and jewelry on, you can hear his Lambo turn on outside.

Soulja Boy

Thanks!

Lil Wayne and Kanye West look at each other like in astonishment.

Kanye West

Thanks?

Lil Wayne

Thanks?

Kanye West

Thats all? Thanks?

Soulja Boy

Nobody on the corner have swagger like you?

Kanye West

Nah.

Lil Wayne

If you got, money take out your pocket and throw it, this away (points to himself) that away (points to Kanye West)

Soulja Boy

How much?

Kanye West

A hundred thousand………trillion!!!!

Soulja Boy

Turn that shit off then.

Soulja Boy flips the switch to off.

Darnell Taylor is an upcoming NYC based writer. E-mail him at Darnell@thankgodimfamous.com