story by William Posner
Athletes are pretty famous these days. They’re on the covers of magazines, getting models pregnant, and selling us everything from car insurance to sausages. Athletes also famous enough to be the subject of my debut Thank God I’m Famous post. I encourage you to let me know what you think by leaving a comment, since I’m doing this for courtside tickets you guys.
Ask any old head what’s wrong with the game today and they’ll be happy to say: “too much one on one stuff.” They fail to realize that in this day of multi-million dollar endorsements, deadspin comments and worrying about how good EA made their likeness in NBA Live, players have unprecedented pressure to make a name for themselves. So when it came time to figure out who to use in this who’s who of PGs, I wanted to make sure their stats off the court were also considered. Because lets face it, Jordan wouldn’t be everybody’s GOAT without contributing the best looking sneakers in the history of man. Ok that’s not true. He’s obviously the nicest, but for the sake of this article I’ll spare the 4th quarter FT% stats and talk more about the extra curricular.
If you’ve played basketball at some point in your life, you know that if stuck with 3 people the game to play is 21. In this entry, I’ll be using 6 categories. Whoever gets 1st place for a category is awarded 5 points. 2nd place gets 3 points. 3rd gets 2. First person to 21 wins.
*** THE CONTESTANTS ***
*** COMMERCIALS ***
Since all three of these guys are endorsed by Nike (Paul is with the Nike subsidiary Jordan Brand), each has gotten a turn appearing in their own drama on a hundred thousand trillion sneaker advertisement. So who does the best job at making me invest my feelings and therefore my money in the product they’re selling?
3rd
I know kids that have to sweep the court every mourning to clear off the used syringes that dope fiends left behind. So that story about an imaginary snake did nothing for me.
2nd
Shit feels too European. Everything from the music to the part where he talks about accentuating another dude.
1st
Jordan Brand wisely left out any shots of CP3s kicks (more on that later) and just hit us over the head with sentimentality.
*** RAP LYRICS ***
Rappers have long felt the need to name drop their favorite athletes which, thank god, is not nearly as annoying as athletes who feel the need to become rappers.
3rd
It’s worth mentioning the homie Deron’s at an unfair advantage when it comes to getting a name drop. His name also rhymes with LeBron.Guess which player MC’s are going with these days?
2nd
Before even researching this category, I felt Chris was a Most Valuable Player award away from every rapper claiming they’re the “M-V-P like C-P-3″. Then I found out Luda already went and sounded his usual dorky self doing so, making Chris Paul mentions officially over.
“Got a Chris Paul mind state/I’m never outta bounds” - The Game on “My Life”
“I’m on point like CP3/and I’ll be going down in rap as the MVP” -Ludacris on “MVP”
1st
Nash wins hands down. Rappers love shouting out their favorite white boy. Why? I have a feeling they think ironic lyrics is on some next level ish, but it probably has more to do with the fact cash, ass, stash and rash all rhyme with Nash. Whatever the reason, Steve Nash is now what Rod Strickland was to 90’s MCs.
“I got weed hash/when I breeze pass/breathe fast/eat ass/on point like Steve Nash” - Cam’Ron on “Get Em Daddy”
“When you come through the hood get a pass like Steve Nash kid” -Styles P on “Discipline”
“Light up the purp pass it like Steve Nash” -Lil’ Wayne on “Haters”
***$$$$$$$$$$$$$***
Making more money than somebody else always counts for something. In this case it gets you 5 points.
*** FOOTWEAR ***
This was actually a tough category for all the wrong reasons. Instead of trying to figure out which shoe to buy, I was just trying to determine which was the lesser of three evils. Guess the only good news about these sneakers is you’ll have no problems finding your size in stock. Zing!
3rd
Deron doesn’t have his own signature shoe, but he does get player exclusives made for him by Nike. These are the sneakers he wears on the court. Right away it’s obvious this sneaker is a rip off of the Air Jordan XI. How did somebody managed to take the sleek silhouette that made the patent leather work on the XI’s and turn it into the Rocky Mountain Range looking midsole? The Zoom Phenoms is the type of mistake that should end a sneaker designing career. In fact, if you removed the Nike check, I would’ve thought they were a Payless knock-off.
2nd
While on the topic of knock-off’s, it’s come to light Jordan Brand has made a conscious effort to deter the manufacturing of fakes by incorporating intricate textiles and patterns into their new sneakers. The problem with this is the false sense of accomplishment that comes with failing to realize the real reason the demand in fakes went down: less to do with hard to find plastics and much more to do with the fact these are fucking ugly. The CP3’s biggest problem is they scream basketball sneaker which means they’ll look horrible with anything other than basketball shorts.
1st
Which leaves Mr. Nash’s signature shoe. Turns out he’s a big fan of the Air Max 90 (who isn’t?) and went ahead and incorporated some elements of that classic shoe into his own model. Something about them is kind of off, in a running shoe meets basketball sneaker kind of way, but the color scheme goes a long way.
*** OTHER HALF ***
Nobody on here is really getting it in like Marko Jaric but each do a pretty good job highlighting why it’s good to be young, rich, and a famous ball player.
3rd
She’s hot…in a MILF Hunter kinda way I guess
2nd
She reminds me a little of Russell’s niece Angela. He should’ve went for a Vanessa. Bow Wow still lost though.
1st
Nothing says ‘I made it’ like a wholesome white chick on your arm. The pic (from a costume party) may not be the greatest, but she’s a frequent topic of discussion on Jazz messageboards; which speaks volumes considering the unmatched level of perverseness to be expected on a website frequented by people from Utah.
*** ON THE COURT ***
Finally, the easy part. Numbers don’t lie right? Only problem is Nash already had 8 seasons worth of stats on the back of his trading card before CP3 and D-Will were even drafted, rendering my calculator useless. So I’m forced to take things like quality of teammates and impact on winning games into consideration when making sense of all their stats. Here goes:
3rd
Despite being drafted one pick ahead (3rd) of Chris Paul, his numbers are slightly lower across the board in comparison. That’s not to say the Jazz would’ve been better off picking Paul, because Deron’s impact was positive right from the start. He was able to take a Jazz team whom lost 30 games more than they won the season before, to a 500 team in his rookie year. Putting up 16 points and 9.3assists per game. He already has been given the green light by Coach Sloan to call his own plays, which is damn near amazing considering Stockton never had that privilege. He took the 06-07 Jazz to the Western Conference Finals in his first trip to the playoffs and took last years team to a game 6 against the Lakers in the semi-finals. And rappers still refuse to acknowledge the kid?
2nd
This was by far the closest category and I have a feeling if I were writing this a year or two from now, Paul would be the guy to beat. It’s scary to see 20+ppg, 10+apg, 3+spg next to someone’s name when said player still has another few years before even flirting with his prime. Nobody is a better fit at point for your fantasy team. He took a team that won around 1/5th of their games to a team that nearly won half (38-44) in his first year with New Orleans. That earned him rookie of the year honors, something nobody else in this discussion can claim. Now the Hornets are the team out West nobody wants to face in the playoffs because that’s when some good players’ have a history of becoming great. CP3 is that kind of player.
1st
If I remember correctly, there were a few imbeciles trying to argue that Steve Nash’s first MVP award was a fluke. So Steve went and got himself another the following year. The only other point guard to do that: Magic Johnson. What’s impressive about winning two MVP’s on the surface is unbelievable once you dig a little. In 05-06 the Suns lost two all-stars, Stoudemire to injury and Joe Johnson to a trade with Atlanta. Nash was now part of a whole new starting 5 made up of relative unknowns and still maintained a double double for the season, maintained 1st place for the Phoenix Suns, and continued his reign as league MVP. Now try and imagine where the 05-06 Phoenix suns would’ve ended up without Nash.
*** RESULTS ***
*DRUMROLL*
1st Place
Steve Nash with 25 points
2nd Place
Chris Paul with 19 points
3rd Place
Deron Williams with 16 points
There! That settles things
Nash’s time has passed,
1. Paul
2. Tony Parker, dont get it twisted, yes hes that good
3. Nash
4. Williams
this was cute. rap lyrics and lol at the “other half”. gotta upgrade your man
Actually Deron’s name does not rhyme with LeBron’s and after four years in the NBA you’d think idiots like you would know that.