words by Darnell Taylor

illustration by Niaren Binford

The Twitter epidemic has reached an all new high, even Oprah has jumped on the bandwagon. Recently, Diddy made an appearance on Larry King Live to discuss Twitter. He even went so far as to say that Twitter “calls” him when asked if it was addicting. Apparently, he said he has a “Twitter DNA” which is inspiration. Whatever happened to Diddy’s “I’m hungry, go walk to Brooklyn and get me some cheesecake” DNA? Is he really positive or has twitter taking taken over our favorite Ciroc Star?

The room is dark, the moans of two people having sex can be heard. Suddenly the moans stop. Then the lights are turned on. The two individuals are Diddy and Kim Porter.

Kim Porter
Are you serious? Are you really texting during sex?

Diddy
I’m not texting, I’m spreading positivity through twitter.

Kim Porter
Can you spread positivity when I ‘m not spreading my legs.

Kim Porter snatches the phone from Diddy and reads the screen. It reads:

iamdiddy: Just started love making, I’M LOCKED IN. LET”S GO!!!

Diddy
Twit that, twit that.

Kim Porter
What is wrong with you? Get off of me.

Kim Porter rolls out from under Diddy and walks out the room.

Diddy
Fine, I don’t need you.

Diddy picks up his blackberry and begins to twit again: @cassieventura where are you ? I’M IN THE ZONE!!!!

Diddy walks into Cassie’s studio session, Cassie’s side is towards the door. Diddy walks towards Cassie to hug and greet her, he’s startled as she turns his direction and he sees her half shaved hair do.

Diddy
Oh, shit what happened?

Cassie
What? My hair? You don’t like it?

Diddy then pulls out his blackberry and begins twittering. Everyone lets pray for @casssieventura this bitch is crazy. She needs as much prayers as she can get lets support and pray for her people. LETS GO!!

Cassie checks her twitter.

Cassie
Why would you twit that ?

Diddy continues twitting. @cassieventura maybe you should get a weave? What you think people? should @cassieventura get a weave?

Cassie
Why are you twitting, I’m standing directly next to you?

Diddy continues twitting. RT@cheridennis yeah @cassieventura needs to weave it up. The half caesar is not a good look.

Cassie checks her twitter

Cassie
Tell her to put an album out first.

Diddy continues twitting. @cassieventura, @cheridennis put out an album Feb. 08.

Cassie
Well, tell her go somewhere then.

Diddy continues twitting. My twitter family is going crazy right now, lets keep the POSITIVITY GOING. RT @dawnrichard tell @cassieventura just shave the whole thing. Half and half isn’t cool. Her head looks bisexual.

Cassie
Tell Dawn, her boyfriend is bisexual. Go get him some cleanex.

Diddy continues twitting. @que_Day26 @robert_Day26 willie_Day26 @mike_Day26@brian_Day26. NO BITCHASSNESS!!!! especially @que_Day26.

Diddy receives a twit. @que_Day26@iamdiddy tear

Cassie
If he can cry on twitter I can wear my hair however I want.

Diddy continues twitting. @cassieventura no you can’t.

Cassie
Yes I can and can you please twittering while I’m standing here?

Diddy continues twitting. @cassieventura I thought I told you that we won’t stop! I thought I told you that we won’t stop! Twit that Twit that. Who want’s their PTWITTY TV?

Cassie
Are you serious, PTwitty TV ?

Diddy continues twitting. PTWITTY TV GOING LIVE IN 15 MINS!!! LETS GO !!!! @cassieventura you and the bisexual hair have just been dropped. KEEP THE PRAYERS COMING!!!

Cassie
Did you just drop me via Twitter?

Diddy continues twitting. @harvepierre please come get @cassieventura and remove her from the premises.

Harve Pierre walks into the room.

Harve Pierre
Diddy what’s up ?

Diddy continues twitting. @harvepierre get her out of here.

Harve Pierre
What Diddy says goes. Let’s go Cas.

Harve Pierre grabs Cassie by the arm. She’s reluctantly escorted out.

Diddy continues twitting. @cassieventura ITS BAD BOY BITCH. I”M LOCKED IN !!!

While downstairs after escorting Cassie out, Harve Pierre makes a phone call to Kim Porter.

Harve Pierre
Kim

Kim Porter
Hey, what’s up ?

Harve Pierre
Diddy is bugging out.

Kim Porter
Twitter ?

Harve Pierre
How’d you know?

Kim Porter
He barely talks now, all he does is tweet or twit, whatever you call it.

Harve Pierre
I think it’s time to call the pastor in.

About three hours have passed, Harve Pierre and Kim Porter enter the studio, which Diddy is in. He just finished an episode of PTwitty TV.

Harve Pierre
Diddy, we need to talk to you.

Diddy begins to twitter. @harvepierre what’s up? I’M LOCKED IN!!!!

Kim Porter
Bring him in.

Pastor Mase enters the studio and for some reason he is wearing the shiny suit from the “Mo Money Mo Problems” video. He walks up to Diddy and places his hand on Diddy’s forehead and begins to preach in his trademark slow sounding voice.

Pastor Mase
Dear Lord, Please deliver this man from the demons of technology, set him free. We all know the more tweets we come over….the more problems we see.

Diddy doesn’t even notice what is happening and begins to twitter. @diddysbabymoms and @harvepierre have brought @pastormase back to Bad Boy. LETS GO !!!

Pastor Mase
Please Lord don’t let the devil push Mr.Combs, he’s close to the edge.

Diddy continues twittering. I know @harvepierre stole my wave grease, how else could his lips be so shiny? Why is @pastormase touching my head? I NEED ENERGY PEOPLE!!!

Pastor Mase’s cell phone rings.

Jim Jones (via cell phone)
Is that you BETHA? IS THAT YOU BETHA?

Pastor Mase hangs up the phone.

Pastor Mase
It was good seeing everybody, but its time to go. The Lord is calling.

Pastor Mase leaves the studio, extremely fast, in fear.

Kim Porter
Told you Harve, we should have called Run instead.

Diddy receives a twit. @Pausepolice PAUSE!!!! a warrant has been issued for @iamdiddy DEAD OR ALIVE. Referring to one mans lips and your head in the same tweet is punishable by the death penalty.

Diddy finally begins to speak again.

Diddy
Who the fuck are the Pause Police? And why do they think they can Pause me? You can’t pause me. I can’t stop, I won’t stop.

Harve Pierre
A pause is when you say something that can be viewed as homosexual.

Diddy
But Diddy isn’t homosexual. Kim is Diddy homosexual?

Kim Porter
Not many straight men speak in third person.

Diddy
Diddy is not homo.

Harve Pierre
Do you like fish dicks in your mouth?

Diddy
No, I don’t like fish dicks in my mouth, I’m not a gay fish.

Harve Pierre
You saw that shit too? That shit was hilarious.

Diddy
I got something for the Pause Police. I’m going to fix their ass.

Kim Porter & Harve Pierre
PAUSE!!!!

Diddy
Both of you get the fuck out.
Next Day Diddy is on Larry King Live.

Larry King
So how did you come up with the idea, for the Positivity Police?

Diddy
Well there’s a lot of negativity going on in the twitter and we need some kind of Police. So I’d figured I’d be the first.

Larry King
Thanks for coming to the show and spreading positivity.

Show ends and Diddy checks his twitter via blackberry.Diddy receives a twit.

@Pausepolice @iamdiddy your a thief. You and your @positivitypolice . I’m going to get Shyne to fuck your ass up.

Diddy sends a Direct Message to the @Pausepolice. It reads one word

“PAUSE”

THE END

story by Darnell Taylor

sketch by Niaren Binford

With the success of VH1’s series Gs to Gents  combined with the increase in
fitted clothes and the decline of gangster rap the G to Gent ratio has taking a
drastic turn in favor of the Gents.  However there’s a have been a few Gents
that want to even the playing field and get their G on for 09.  So, I present you
with the next big reality show……. Gent’s to Gs.

The lights are dim and you can see the silhouettes of four men,  three standing
side by side and one much larger male stand a few feet ahead of them with his
back towards them. The lights come on, the three men standing side by side
are unveiled to be Chris Brown, Que (Day 26), and Spencer (The Hills).  The
large male then turns around and shows himself, who is none other than Rick
Ross.  Chris Brown, Que, and Spencer seem excited.

Rick Ross

I’ll be the biggest host you’ve seen thus far. With my guidance, you

can make a transformation to a G. G for gangster, not like the G in

G-Unit that G is for Gay, that G is for Girl. Once your a G, you can grow

nasty beards or funny dreads that don’t move. They just stay in one

place that’s real G shit. G- Unit doesn’t have nasty beards or funny

dreads, you know why? Because they’re not Gs, they’re Gay.

Chris Brown appears to not be able to stay still, he keeps pop locking and moon
walking for no apparent reason. It’s reached the point where it has become
overly annoying

Rick Ross

Chris, what are you doing?

Chris Brown is in full dance mode now, spins, slides and all

Chris Brown

I’m dancing

Rick Ross

That’s magnificent. But Gs don’t dance all we do is this, now lean back
and do the rock away

Chris Brown stops dancing

Rick Ross

Now, here’s your first mission on your way to becoming a G

Rick Ross hands an envelope to Spencer (The Hills)

Spencer (The Hills)

Dude, why is there barbecue sauce all over this thing?

Rick Ross

Barbecue sauce is for Gs, real Gs. The B in Boss stands for barbecue.
Spencer opens the envelope and begins to read it out loud

Spencer (The Hills)

There is a car located in front of the house, the three of you take the
car and go meet a guy named Jacob at the cafe located in Liberty
City, he’ll take you to a warehouse where you’ll have business to take  care of

Spencer stops reading and looks puzzled

Spencer(The Hills)

Wait, this is a mission from Grand Theft Auto. Does anybody else
realize this ?

Que (Day 26) is off to the side looking misty eyed and Chris Brown has begun
to dance again.  Neither of them are paying Spencer(The Hills) any attention.

Rick Ross

GTA is for Gangsters, its for Gs. You have to be a G to to play GTA.
G-Unit can’t play GTA, they’re not Gs. I play GTA, I’m a G

Que(Day 26)

Since when is playing video games make you a G? Playing games
doesn’t make you a G..

Que (Day 26) breaks down crying

Rick Ross

You don’t have to cry about it. G’s don’t cry, Monkey’s cry, Curly cries
Gs don’t cry

Que(Day 26)

I just want to dance. How come he gets to dance (points at Chris
Brown) and I don’t? Why?

Chris Brown stops dancing and approaches Que (Day 26)

Que (Day 26)

If we have to fight we can fight. I’m a grown ass man, we can fight.
Chris Brown does a back flip, then kicks Que (Day 26) in the face and knocks
him out, then returns to dancing

Chris Brown

Look what I can do with my feet.  (singing Forever)

Spencer(The Hills)

Holy shit, now thats gangster. Dude we need to learn how to do shit
like that not play video games

Rick Ross

I’ve never done a flip in my life and I’m a G. I’m the biggest boss you’ve
seen thus far

Spencer( The Hills)

Actually my father is a CEO

Rick Ross

But he’s not a G. Does he know Noriega?

Spencer( The Hills)

Who?  The rapper?

Rick Ross

No the real Noriega, he owes me a hundred favors

Spencer ( The Hills)

How?

Rick Ross

He was an inmate at the prison I use to work at

Spencer( The Hills)

Wait you were a Corrections Officer?

Rick Ross

No, I’m a G. The streets love and respect me, what would it look like
me working with the law

Spencer looks up and sees the picture of Rick Ross at his Correction Officer
graduation ceremony

Spencer (The Hills)

It would look like that picture behind you

Rick Ross

Yeah that’s me

Spencer(The Hills)

So you were a Corrections Officer?

Rick Ross

No, I’m a G, I’m street certified

Spencer(The Hills)

Yes or no were you a Corrections Officer?

50 cent busts through the door dressed as Pimpin’ Curly

50 Cent

Officer Ricky is that you ?

Rick Ross makes an attempt to run, but is way to slow and gets caught by 50
cent. 50 cent grabs Rick Ross. Chris Brown is still dancing

Spencer(The Hills)

Whip that nigger’s ass

Chris Brown stops dancing, Que (Day 26) finally gets up,  50 cent and Rick
Ross stop and they all look back at Spencer( The Hills)

Spencer(The Hills )

OH SHIT!!

They all attack Spencer

50 cent
Cuff him Rick. I know you got cuffs on you unless your a flash light cop

Rick Ross

I’m a Boss

THE END

Darnell Taylor is an upcoming NYC based writer. E-mail him at Darnell@thankgodimfamous.com

With all the talk of a possible Dipset reunion and them revitalizing New York hip hop, nobody has stopped and asked exactly what’s so special about three and a half average to sub par rappers making another album together.  Here’s a look into what a Dipset reunion would look and sound like. Can you guess who’s the half rapper?

sketch by Niaren Binford

words by Darnell Taylor

Jim Jones, Cam’ron, Juelz Santana, and Freekey Zeekey collectively known as Dipset are all in the recording studio together for the first time in years.  The tension in the room is extremely noticeable, there are various friends, entourages, and lackeys  scattered around the studio. Juelz Santana prepares to go into the recording booth first, while Cam’ron and Jim Jones constantly trade stares

Juelz Santana

Let’s get this cracking, I’m about to lay down that crack. I don’t know if the world ready for this

Cam’ron

I hope you stepped it up while I’ve been gone

Juelz  Santana
Stepped it up? I bought a ladder

Jim Jones lets out his obnoxious laugh

Jim Jones

He’s splashing on you right now. Your face is dripping

Cam’ron gives him a look, expressing what the hell are you talking about. Then looks at Freekey Zeekey, to clarify

Freekey Zeekey

FREEKEY!!!!

Cam’ron shakes his head in dismay.  Juelz Santana steps inside the recording booth and prepares to rhyme

Juelz Santana

A!!!! Its human crack in the flesh, Skull is the gang, Dip is the set. We’re back in business. Let’s go

Juelz Santana takes a sip of his drink and picks up his note bad

Juelz Santana
I took off the bandana, ana/I’m Juelz Santana ana
Drank some sizzurp/Now I’m Weezy Weezy
Skull is the gang gang/ My balls hang hang

Jim Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in an ad-lib

Jim Jones
They swinging!

Juelz Santana

Pause…….No homo  homo

Jim Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in an ad-lib, again

Jim Jones
Back and forth, side to side. Like this

Jim Jones uses his hand to demonstrate how he thinks,  Juelz Santana’s balls swing

Juelz Santana

If I didn’t say pause/then that’s homo homo

I look like a geico gecko/ gecko geico  A!

Jim Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in an ad-lib, yet again

Jim Jones
Gecko green!  We all about that gecko, getting that gecko.  What’ s the first letter of the alphabet Juelz?

Juelz Santana
A!!!!!!

Jim Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in one last ad-lib, for good measure

Jim Jones

I know my ABC’s next time won’t you sing with me

Juelz  Santana steps out of the booth and mostly everyone with exception to Cam’ron gives him a five, and tells him how great the verse was

Cam’ron

Are you fucking kidding me? That was hot garbage

Cam’ron looks to Freekey Zeekey for confirmation

Freekey Zeekey
FREEKEY!!!

Juelz Santana

You’re bugging, thats that crack. That can’t feel my face

Jim Jones walks over to Cam’ron and touches his face

Jim Jones
You didn’t even feel that. Watch this

Jim Jones begins to pull on Cam’ron’s  cheeks

Jim Jones

Its like I’m not even touching you. You don’t feel that

Cam’ron pulls his face away

Cam’ron
Ayo, B don’t be touching my face like that

Jim Jones

Now I can’t touch you face anymore? You’re a frienemy ass nigga

Cam’ron

What?

Jim Jones

We use to be BFF’s now you just a frienemy. Ever since you disappeared and got on your sneaky chilling shit

Cam’ron

BFF, what the fuck?

Jim Jones

That’s broadway talk, you were to busy being a sneaky chiller.

You don’t know about that yet

Cam’ron looks overly confused

Cam’ron
Sneaky chiller?

Jim Jones

Juelz is Cam a sneaky chiller?

Juelz Santana

Yeah, he’s been on his sneaky chill shit

Cam’ron still looks overly confused

Cam’ron
What the fuck does that mean?

Jim Jones

It means you got sneaky with your chilling. You were chilling on the sneak tip.Chilling in a sneaky way, nobody knew. Like a ninja, a sneaky chill ninja

Cam’ron still looks overly confused

Cam’ron
Whatever,  throw the beat on, and don’t be ad-libbing my shit

The beat comes on an Cam’ron goes into the recording booth and starts to rhyme

Cam’ron
It’s killa , not hova hova/I get it in from Ohio to Nova Scotia

JIm Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in an ad-lib

Jim Jones

What up old head? We in Nova Scotia now baby

Cam’ron gives Jim Jones a stare and he shuts the door

Cam’ron
Your girl got buns, I’ll toast her/I’ll be back I told ya

JIm Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in an ad-lib, again

Jim Jones
Sesame seed, hamburger, whole wheat, any kind of buns

Cam’ron gives Jim Jones another stare and he shuts the door

Cam’ron
Wifey gave me top with ice cream/Baskin Robbins…cookies and the cream
In the parking lot/We got it hot

JIm Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in an ad-lib, yet again

Jim Jones
It’s hot in here somebody turn the AC on

Cam’ron removes his headphones

Cam’ron

B, what I tell you about that shit? Keeping playing with me

Jim Jones closes the door again

Cam’ron
Fuego!/ Call me Diego!
I’ll explore her Dora

Jim Jones opens the recording booth door to throw in one last ad-lib, for good measure

Jim Jones
You a nasty nigga, they cousins you know that right? Diego and Dora are cousins you a nasty dude.
I fuck with that show though. Nick Jr. what up ? Shout outs to swiper, keep swiping my nig. It’s a hustle in these streets.
Keep your head up and stay from behind the G Wall

Cam’ron shakes his head in disgust and pushes pass Jim Jones out of the recording booth. Nobody is paying him much attention

Cam’ron
Now that’s crack. I just put it down

Juelz Santana

It was so so

Cam’ron

So, so ? Did you hear what I said? I said…

Fuego!/Call me Diego! I’ll explore her Dora

Juelz Santana
You watch that while you have your cookies and apple juice?

Everyone erupts in laughter. Jim Jones has finally stop ad-libbing and come out of the recording booth

Jim Jones
You got splashed on again, you soaking right now. No, homo

Cam’ron

What you working with?

Juelz Santana

Super pause, somebody press the select button on that one

Cam’ron

No, homo. Go spit some hot shit then Jimmy, let me see what you got

Juelz Santana

Pause again, you need to chill you about to freeze the game

Jim Jones enters the recording booth with a pad and puts on the headphones

Jim Jones
Maserati, Range Rove pushing…
(Ad-lib) I drive the best whips through Harlem
Slowing down on you fuckers, so you could see me
The Harlem Splash, you smell me
I smell like wet money, champagne and a few cold waters
I’m balling, like nana nana na
Shouts out to Dora, Diego, Swiper, Backpack and all them, I see you
Skull Gang,  Byrdgang , Dipset

Everybody outside the recording booth is loving Jim Jones’ verse. Cam’ron is in disbelief

Jim Jones
Keep your head up, stop sneaky chilling.
Shake your nuts, no homo. They swinging.
(returns to rhyming) I got that white/I’m George Bushing

Jim Jones steps out the booth and everyone except Cam’ron is applauding

Cam’ron
Are you serious, not one word rhymed and that’s hot?
That’s not hot

Jim Jones

What you talking about? Pushing and George Bushing rhyme.

See you on that frienemy shit again

Cam’ron sighs and starts to exit

Cam’ron
I hate my job

As he exits and pulls the door behind him

Next Day: At the record label, Dipset plays the song they recorded they day before in the studio for a record executive. Cam’ron looks displeased with the song

Record Executive
I like it but what’s the chorus or the hook?

Freekey Zeekey

FREEKEY!!!!

Record Executive
I love it, loop that and this is your first single. It’s going to be a smash

Everyone is celebrating except Cam’ron

THE END!

Darnell Taylor is an upcoming NYC based writer. E-mail him at Darnell@thankgodimfamous.com